My Broken Cisterns Never Seem to Stay Filled...

"My people hae committed two sins: they have forsaken me, the Spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that hold no water." (Jeremiah 2:13)

I haven't blogged in a really long time. Mostly because I've been "too busy" which is really just a cop-out. After a lovely conversation with my beautiful friend Melody the other day, I've decided that the best way for me to process today is to get back to my blog.

I've been super tied up with moving into our new house and getting ready for the wedding. In all of the kafuffle, I feel like I've forgotten how to plug-in. I found myself getting extremely frustrated with everything in my life this morning and I couldn't figure out why. Nothing was all that terrible. Then I realized. It's been about 6 days since I've really had any good God time. Then this came up in the book that I'm reading when I finally sat down to have some time with God and it totally applies to where I'm at at this moment. Funny how that happens, eh?

I just love this picture. God is there. He's the Spring of living water. He's completely available and longing for relationship with his people. And the people of Israel, his chosen nation, the ones that God chose to bear his name to the nations, are completely ignoring the only true source of freedom and fulfillment and chasing after other things that they think are going to make them happy. Broken Cisterns.

So, this is me, trying to figure out what my broken cisterns are and stop trying to get what I need from them.
Instead of seeking God, the Spring of living water, I'm seeking purpose and freedom and fulfillment from other people and places. I'm so fickle. The way to God is even more open to me than it was to the people of Israel. In their time, Jesus hadn't come yet and opened the way to God, so the people could only experience God in the temple. God's presence was confined to the Holy of Holies in the temple. A place separated from the rest of the temple by a veil. Only the high priest could enter the Holy of Holies and only once a year. When Jesus was crucified, that massive, heavy veil was torn in two from top to bottom. God sent his spirit to dwell in people instead of just in the temple and we are called in the book of Hebrews to "approach the throne of grace with confidence." (Hebrews 10:19)

So, I will do just that! I will approach the throne of grace knowing that Jesus has made a way for me and that God will forgive me for seeking what I need from broken cisterns. It's nice to know that my tendency to seek what I need from other places is something that everyone struggles with. It's nice to not be alone. What I need now is to keep on going back to the Spring of living water where my only true freedom and fulfillment can be found.

I tried the broken cisterns, Lord
But, ah! the waters failed
E'en as I stooped to drink they fled
And mocked me as I wailed

Now none but Christ can satisfy,
None other name for me;
There's love and life and lasting joy,
Lord Jesus, found in thee.

What a relief! I knew I needed to get things out!

Wow! It's been a ridiculously long time since I posted last and too much has happened to even be able to catch up. Bottom line of life right now.

The Lord is amazing and his grace is sufficient for me!

Peace.

Lisa just posted a picture of this quote written on the wall of an art gallery in Glasgow and I really like it, so here it is:

"Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see nothing."

~Camille Pissarro

Beauty.

There have been a couple of spectacular sunsets in the past few days of my life and I feel the need to talk about them.

The first one happened on Friday night when I was driving home from camp. Usually I'm sad when I'm stuck driving during a great sunset, but I was ok with it this time. The clouds were all silver and grey. There wasn't really any bright colour. That's what made this one so amazing. There was so much depth and brilliance in the sky! The clouds were big smears of charcoal grey with edges of glistening silver. Where the clouds overlapped, the brightness was almost blinding. The beauty of the grey sky over the bright green trees was stunning. It was breathtaking.

The next one happened tonight when I was driving Abby home to Geraldton. The sky started off clear blue and the clouds were firey orange and pink with dusty purple streaked across. The first glimpse I caught of the whole sky was over Lake Nipigon when we turned onto highway 11. The whole expanse of the sky was reflected in the lake with a blindingly brilliant stripe of sun up the middle. As we drove along the highway, the sky changed. Each glimpse we caught of the horizon through the trees was a new picture of beauty.

Sometimes I feel sad that the beauty in a sunset is so fleeting, but I was thinking today that the image of every sunset I've ever seen is burned into my memory. And a picture never truly does them justice. God is so good! He's made this world for us to enjoy and I wanna enjoy it to the fullest!

Mountainside.

Mountainside. That's kinda where I'm at right now. I've been in a valley for a while which has been a little perturbing and discouraging, but I feel like breakthrough is in the process of happening. I'm really glad for breakthrough. It's been really hard to pray for the last while and there's been lots for me to pray through, so I've been pretty out-of-sorts. I had a really good pray time with Claire last night and it was a cool reminder for me of the blessing it is to live with these girls. I'm so thankful for all of the people that the Lord has blessed me with to challenge me and encourage me and need me. Life is good.

On another note, the young adults' retreat was super! It was a good time for people to relax and enjoy creation and each other. I'm really thankful for the way it all came together. Now it's on to new tasks. Today I start working on my prayer and support letter. Should be interesting since I've never done one before.

It's absolutely gorgeous outside today, so I'm going to emerge from the house and enjoy it. :)

Peace.

It's May 16th and I've just recently started hanging my laundry on the line outside to dry. Things were going very well until I woke up this morning to a raging wind/snow (kinda) storm. I think I'll take a different approach than most I've seen to talking about this weather. It's pretty cool. That I went to bed last night wishing that there were thunder and lightning to go along with the pouring rain and woke up several times in the night because the wind was so loud.
I just came in from taking my snowy laundry off of the clothesline and I feel like an icicle! However, I'll choose to view my iciness as a blessing. Here's why: My next move will be to jump in a nice, piping hot jacuzzi to get warm and then put on my coziest sweats and a warm blanket and snuggle up to finish the work I need to get done today. Feeling warm and cozy is one of my favourite things, but it wouldn't be as nice if my coziness weren't in direct contrast to how freezing cold I'd been before. So, I'm thankful for the raging wind and blowing snow. To the jacuzzi I go! :)

THE INTERVIEW

So, my interview was a million times better than I could have hoped! The board asked me a lot of really tough questions, but only so they could find out what my heart and vision was for my life and be able to support me in that. They were super-supportive about everything I shared with them and they really took the time to understand my motivation and purpose. They interviewed me for about an hour and then kicked me out for a while (after having some snacks) so they could talk about me. I got to have a lovely walk with Leesa through Hagersville which is a beautiful town. It was 25 C that day, so it was really amazing! Leesa and I had a really good visit. When we got back to the mission office, the board was ready to tell me their decision.

This was it: The board wanted to take me on as a part-time year-round Youth Ministries Worker in Thunder Bay. Focusing on camp for the summer and helping with that through the year and making connections with youth through discipleship and mentoring and also possibly camper reunions and things like that throughout the year.

They pretty much just left my position up to me to define in detail according to my vision.

I'm super-excited to be starting in on all of this and I'm really pumped to see where God takes it. I'm in the process of planning a Young Adults' Retreat for camp and that's been going really well too. I'm excited to see who shows up and how it goes!

Life is good! :)

Long-overdue post about the remainder of conference.

So, I've been terribly delinquent about posting these last couple of weeks.
The conference started on Wednesday morning. Everyone came to Hyde Cottage where we were staying for the morning meetings. People started showing up around 9 and there was a pretty even mix of people I knew already and people I was meeting for the first time. We prayed for a while and sang some worship choruses with accordian accompaniment and then a couple of missionary couples would give their report on what had happened in their lives in the past year. It was really neat to be able to hear what each of the other missionaries were focused on and to learn how to pray for them. We also had a speaker speak to us each morning for a while and that was really encouraging too. After the morning meeting at the cottage, we would all get in our cars and drive 5 minutes away to a little town called Cheapside. (Such a great name for a town!) Each day we had lunch in the basement of the church there. This was also a really nice time to visit with the other missionaries and board members and start to connect with the people I'd be working with. After lunch each day, I got to have a free afternoon. That was pretty sweet! On the first day, I crashed on the couch until dinner time. I think I was just really exhausted from all of the socializing with new people in an unfamiliar place. In the evenings, we'd go back to Cheapside for dinner in the basement. It was really neat. There were a bunch of people who just spent every day of the conference getting meals ready for us. It was really nice not to have to think about where to eat. On Wednesday night there was a business meeting after dinner. I wasn't officially a missionary with RLM yet, so I just listened in and counted ballots. It was good to hear about what's going to be happening in the coming year. That night, Mark and Christy and I played another game of Scrabble where they both whipped my butt again.

Thursday was much the same as Wednesday up until dinner time. We had an early dinner and took some pictures (a lot of pictures!) and then headed into Hagersville (where the mission is based) for the annual public meeting. The public meeting is a lot like a church service where people come to hear what's been up with the missionaries for the past year. Each couple gave a short, 10 minute report about what they'd been up to for the past year and told people how they could pray. Mark and Christy usually do their report at the public meeting in some unconventional way. They do a skit or something along those lines and present their information in that way. This year they did something a little less crazy. They wrote and read the testimonies of 4 people who had been impacted by their work over the years. One of the testimonies was mine. So Mark started reading mine and then I came up and interrupted and told the rest of my story. It was really exciting to be able to share my story with a group of people who had been indirectly praying for me for my whole life. I talked about my life growing up at Round Lake and also in Faith Chapel (which was planted by RLM back in the day). It went really well and it gave people a chance to see my heart and where it comes from. After the meeting, everyone piled into the hall of the church and ate timbits and drank juice and visited. I got to meet a lot of really cool people who have been connected with RLM for years. Some for up to 75 years in different ways. A lot of people I met that night said things like, "Oh! You're Jen! We've been praying for you for the last few months!" It was so encouraging and eye-opening to hear that people I had never met had been praying for the Lord's hand in my life as I was making decisions. So cool! I also go to see Abby for a bit at the meeting! It was awesome just to be able to hug her! After all of the visiting, Mark and Christy and I headed over to the mission home (office) to visit for a while with Don and Deb (one of the missionary couples) and David and Leesa (the executive director and his wife). That was a nice relaxing time just sitting around unwinding after a very long day. We got back to the cottage around 11 and were all pretty beat, so we decided not to play Scrabble that night. Even though we had good intentions of getting to bed early, Christy and I got to talking and ended up staying up a lot later than we'd intended. It was totally worth it though.

On Friday morning, we had our last morning meeting. One more couple had to share and we sang and prayed and then talked over some businessy stuff for a while. After lunch that day, the conference was officially over.

Friday afternoon, Mark and Christy and I went to Port Dover on Lake Erie and wandered on the beach and sat on the pier and looked through the shops for a while. It was a really nice day. When we got back to the cottage, we ate some dinner and then took a stroll down the beach from the cottage. It was so beautiful! There was a great sunset and I found lots of really neat sea glass and shells for Julia and Michael. Jon (Mark and Christy's son) came from Huntsville that night and we all played a rousing game of...guess what...?! You got it! Scrabble!!! It was a pretty good time. We had some good laughs and my level of sucking was about even with Jon's so that was good! After Scrabble, I had to pack because Fred was coming to pick me up the next morning at 9:30. I brought way too much stuff with me and it was a real pain to get it all back in my suitcase, but I succeeded and got to bed.

On Saturday morning, I got up and got ready, grabbed and apple and hopped in Fred's van for the half hour drive to Hagersville. Fred is one of the board members and it was super-cool to chat with him on our way to my interview. Fred and his wife have been connected with the mission in one way or another for many years. They adopted 10 kids and have done a lot of amazing things. It was really great to be able to connect with him in that time!

I think I'll write about my interview in a separate post because this is getting pretty stinking long!

A Trip of Epic Proportions.

I'm home. It feels really strange to be here. I've only been gone for a week, but it seems like a month's worth of events have taken place. That being said, I don't think I could do the trip justice in just one post, so I'll start with the first part and post again later.

The purpose of my trip was to attend the annual conference for Rural Life Mission Inc., which is the mission that oversees the operation of Round Lake Bible Camp, which is the camp I volunteer at every summer. I officially applied in March to be year-round staff for camp, and the board of directors wanted to meet me and interview me before taking me on. The idea was that the conference would be a good time since it would give everyone a chance to meet me and spend some time with me before my interview. So, I met Mark and Christy at the airport at 10:30 on tuesday morning. Mark and Christy are the directors of Round Lake Bible Camp. We hopped on a plane and were of for Toronto. We spent just over an hour navigating the Toronto airport to find our baggage and our rental car and got on the road right away. (right after I found some take-out sushi for lunch of course)

The conference wasn't actually starting until Wednesday morning, so we had that whole day to do whatever we wanted. Since I was Mark and Christy's tag-along, I got to go to a town called Vineland with them to visit Christy's great uncle Don and his wife Vivian. They were great people! We spent a little time visiting at their house and then they took us out for an early supper at this cool little diner where I enjoyed a phenomenal greek omelette. We went back to their house after that and looked at some old (very old!) pictures of Christy's family. It was a really neat time connecting with them for sure. They had lots of neat stories about life in the air force and as a candy maker and other cool things. Don is also a painter, so it was neat to get to see some of his artwork. He also takes pictures of his paintings and makes them into notecards and he gave me a couple of those, so that was cool too. So, that was a really great part of the first day.

After we left Vineland, We set out for the cottage on Lake Erie where we stayed for the duration of the conference. We made a stop in a place called Selkirk which was right on the shore of the lake. Mark and Christy had found a really amazing place where there were huge rocks full of all different kinds of fossils. It was such a neat thing to see! I wish I had had a camera to take pictures! Every rock had a gazillion fossils in it. It was cool to speculate as to what they could have been before they were trapped in the rocks. The waves were crashing the whole time we were there and the air was fresh and crisp. It was a moment of beauty that I won't soon forget.

A short drive from Selkirk was the lovely cottage that we called home while we were at conference. It was such a nice place. 3 big bedrooms, a nice big bathroom upstairs and one downstairs too, cozy couches and lots of windows looking out on the lake. The sound of the lake when the windows were open was really relaxing and we enjoyed our time there immensely.

We played a little Scrabble that first night and then got to bed so that we could be well-rested for the start of conference on Wednesday morning. Overall, a great start to our trip. More to come later.

Perfect moments. Do you know what I mean? Those moments where each and every detail fit together in such a way that your heart swells and your mind is free. Even for just a moment. I had one today. I came home and sat down in our lovely living room and the sunlight coming in the window paired with the smell of fresh spring air coming through the open door and the sound of Heidi's music echoing in the kitchen and the clink of dishes in the sink and the knife on the cutting board caused my heart to fill with...joy? peace? It's hard to describe. I felt extremely alive and free.

Life is so beautiful. The fact that the little things like that can take my breath away makes me feel like life is more worthwhile than I sometimes treat it.

I love my family. I spent a good chunk of time with them today and I realized how amazing they all are. I think it's so cool how different people are...I had a plastic easter egg fight with my little sister which ended in a punching match, which was really hilariously funny. My dad made a joke of pretty much everything that was said and made me think through the validity of every statement I made before I made it. My stepmom found the funny part in every little thing and my niece was giggly and snuggly and cute every moment. My brother and I had a great talk about faith and worldview that may have seemed to end on a negative not, but really, I was just glad that we could dialogue and be real with each other. My mom cracked one of the funniest jokes she's cracked in a long time and I almost peed my pants laughing. All-in-all it was a fantastic day filled with friends and family and joy.

I love life.

Father.

So, I just talked to "Daddy" on the phone. "Daddy" is what I call my biological father. It makes it easier to differentiate between him and my stepdad. It's always good to talk to him...on some level. I miss him when I don't talk to him, so it's good to talk to him. Our conversations always seem to be a little strained. It's almost like when he picks up the phone and realizes it's me, he feels slightly awkward because he wasn't the one to call or because it's been a whole month since we've touched base. Either way, it seems like this totally mechanical telling of news followed by random additions or anecdotes about the news and then some weird pauses before he says something like, "well...we're in the middle of a movie, can I call you in a couple of days...?" To which I usually reply something like, "are you actually gonna call me, or will I have to call you?" Today his response to this question was shocking. "Yes, I PROMISE I'll call you this week." Wow, that's a change. He actually used the word "promise" specifically. Maybe this time it'll be different...Here's the thing though...I've spent my whole life waiting for him to finally realize that he's my dad. All the time. It never changes. I need him. I've always needed him. To be a dad. Not just a random acquaintance whose DNA I possess who I talk to once in a while. You shouldn't have to catch up with your dad. Seriously! It's not like I live far away or have been on a trip for an extended period of time. I'm here. In the same city. 10 minutes away. What the heck?
I had a pretty huge breakdown one night a few months ago where I realized just how truly absent both of my dads have been in my life. It wasn't pretty. I think it was actually the very first time in my life that I actually cried myself to sleep. In the midst of the tears, I wrote "Daddy" a letter. I told him how much I hated the distance between us. I asked him a lot of hard questions like: "why do you always have time for somebody else's kids?" "why does someone else always come before us?" I told him how much it hurt me when he did things like not showing up for my high school graduation or forgetting my birthday for 3 years. I told him that I didn't want stuff. I didn't want money. All of my life I've just wanted a place in his. A real place, not just a visiting a few times a year place. It was a crazy letter. I put it in an envelope and addressed it. I even put a stamp on it. The next day when I woke up, I decided that it wouldn't be productive or beneficial for anyone if I sent it. I'd been angry and broken. So I threw it out. I was good for me to get all of that out. To think back over the past hurts, write them down and get over them. I've noticed since then, though, that it takes a lot more than writing something down to get over it.
Well, here's my solution to the problem. GOD. I know that's a huge over-simplification, but really. That's it. GOD. When I think about everything I know about who God is, I'm amazed that I could ever have failed to notice/remember that God is the perfect father. I don't wanna over-cheese this, so I'll keep it short and sweet. I can freak out, I can kick, I can scream, I can be selfish, proud, unwilling, disobedient, a total jerk, a hypocrite, naive, hateful, whatever really, and God still loves me. This isn't the kind of love that's just gonna stop someday because God's got better things to do with his time. This is the kind of love that will lay (and has laid) down it's life for me. This is the kind of love that totally gets me. That's ok with waiting until I finally figure it out. The kind of love that holds me and cries with me when I'm hurting so much I don't know what to do. The kind of love that understands my deepest desires probably better than I do myself and wants to see me live a full and purposeful life. This is the kind of love that's perfect. Unchanging. Unconditional. It doesn't matter what I do, my God is always going to love me.
The coolest part about all of that is that this is true of every human being. Even my dads. God loves them and understands them and holds them the same way he loves me. And God has called me to love the world around me the way that he loves me. I can't do it. I don't have the capacity to love with that kind of...I can't even think of a word that really captures all of that. But, I can give myself as a vessel to carry that love to the world. God can use me to show himself to the people around me. What a huge, amazing, perfect plan that is! That God CAN use someone like me-fallen, wretched, blind, disillusioned, broken, weak, selfish-WANTS to, even, to reach his world is a beautiful thing. How could I not want to be a part of that? And this is why I live my life the way that I do. Because I want to be used of God.


"I am no longer my own, but thine.
Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt;
put me to doing, put me to suffering;
let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee or brought low for thee;
let me be full, let me be empty;
let me have all things, let me have nothing;
I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure
and disposal"

~Richard Alleine

I started a post yesterday about a pretty major development in my life. I read over what I had first written and it was almost nonsensical! It's so funny to me sometimes how out of control I get when I'm excited about something! So, here's the real, unadulterated true story...

I was working away at Starbucks yesterday afternoon (it seems like a lifetime ago already!), when it was time for my fifteen minute break. So, I grabbed my water bottle and headed off to the staffroom to check my e-mail and fool around on facebook for a bit. After waiting what felt like eons for my e-mail account to finally open, I saw an e-mail in my inbox from Mark Arnold (one of the directors of RLBC) with the subject "exciting news!". My heart instantly started beating faster. The day before, Iknew was when the board of directors for Rural Life Mission were to review my application and let me know whether I was what they were looking for or not. The e-mail indicated that Mark and Christy had been CC:ed on an e-mail from RLM detailing my acceptance as a missionary and other such details, and also included their flight details for the conference I was to attend upon acceptance to the mission. (still following?)
At this point I was almost falling off of my stool in excitement and squealing with glee. Then I went back to my inbox and realized that I didn't have an e-mail in there from the mission and wondered why...Once my head cleared a little, I realized that it must have gone to my spam box, so I checked it out. Sure enough, there was a message in there from RLM with the subject "book a ticket"! More excited behaviour ensued and within minutes all of my co-workers, including the people in the back at Chapters, had heard the news. Then my break timer beeped. It was time for me to get back on the floor. Oh man! That was so hard! I just wanted to leave! I wanted to find out more details and tell everyone I could think of! When I got back on the floor to work and told everyone there, I had to go to the back office because I just started crying. The relief of having some sort of answer after all of the time I'd spent in prayer and waiting for something to happen just flooded over me. God had again proved himself faithful. It was like I had been holding my breath since December and I could finally let it out. It's hard to even describe what was going on in me at that point.
It's been a really challenging thing to walk through, this whole process, but I'm so thankful for it! It's really just the beginning of a whole new way of life for me. I'll be starting work soon as a missionary whose support comes in through donations. I'm totally preparing myself for some pretty hard lessons when it comes to waiting on God.

God's been showing me a lot more about the way that I communicate with him too. That's definitely coming in handy at this point! :) Encouragement has been coming at me from all different sides this week! Daria and I got to have some cool talks and I'm really thankful for the time that we had together this week. I also feel like God's been able to use me to be an encouragement to some people in my life this week who were needing it. I think the body of Christ is so cool! How God has us all on our own separate journeys, yet we're all journeying together. I'm also thankful for perspective that's come from quite a few different places over the last little while. Other people's blogs, books I've been reading, songs I've been hearing...I'm feeling more equipped than maybe I ever have before to take on the stuff the lord has for me. I'm really greatful for that since a month ago I was at a loss when it came to trying to process my life and purpose.

Camp is coming up fast and I'm excited to see what my new role will look like!

I love Jesus and I'm so excited to serve him in a new way!

I'm on my break at work right now and I felt the need to update. I think I get frustrated with my job situation too much. Seriously, what a cool job I have! I got to connect with so many different people this morning and not just on a superficial level. Far from making small talk, I was inspired and challenged by a number of different people. I need to learn to be more thankful for the place that God has me right now. I am so blessed to work with people that are awesome and serve people that are awesome. I love community.

Ok, so I'm having a bit of a problem with patience lately. I'm not always the best at waiting. I don't even really know what I'm waiting for...I don't think it's really anything tangible, which almost makes it harder to wait. I'm a little antsy too. Maybe I just need to go for a good walk and get out all my jitters. Maybe I'll do that...

I decided today that I need to make more intentional time in my schedule for God time. I don't know exactly what that looks like since I don't usually connect with God in a conventional way for the most part...I think I just need to have time set aside in my day where I can just go for a walk or sit in a pretty place or intentionally seek God out. Whatever I do, I know that I need to refresh myself more often. I'm feeling pretty burnt out after my first week back at work after my trip and, looking back at my week, I realized that the majority of my time was spent rushing around and whenever I finally did stop, I was too pooped to even think, let alone hear from God.

I'm pretty sure that was a pretty rambly paragraph...if you can even call that a paragraph...I need a nap.

This song really hit me when Kim and I were driving to Calgary on Thursday and I think that it's really relevant to where I'm at right now.  

Somebody's Baby

~Jon Foreman

She yells, "if you were homeless,

sure as hell you'd be drunk

or high or trying to get there

or begging for junk

when people don't want you, 

they just throw you money for beer"

Her name is November, 

she went by Autumn or Fall

It was seven long years 

since the autumn when all

of her nightmares grew fingers 

and all of her dreams grew a tear

She's somebody's baby, 

somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby, 

somebody's baby girl

And she's somebody's baby still

She screams, "well if you've never 

gone it alone

well then go ahead you better

throw the first stone

you got one lonely stoner waiting to bring to her knees"

She dreams about heaven

remembering hell

As a nightmare she visits

And knows all too well

Every now and again 

when she's sober she brushes her teeth

She's somebody's baby, 

somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby, 

somebody's baby girl

And she's somebody's baby still

Today was her birthday

strangely enough

when the cops found her body

at the foot of the cliff

the anonymous caller this morning

tipped off the police

they got her ID

from her dental remains

the same fillings intact

the same nicotine stains

the birth and the death 

were both over

with no one to grieve

She's somebody's baby, 

somebody's baby girl

She's somebody's baby, 

somebody's baby girl

And she's somebody's baby still

After hearing this song for the first time, I decided that I never wanted anyone to have to live in that kind of despair.  I also didn't want anyone to have to die and have no one even notice they were gone.  People are valuable to God, no matter who they are and I want God's heart to be my heart.  We went to Josh's church this morning and it was a really challenging time.  The worship time was really good and the speaker was from Gospel for Asia.  He mostly talked about the untouchable children in India and how they're viewed and what GFA was doing about it.  It broke my heart to hear about the way that people in India place no value on the lives of so many people.  I've been thinking, though, that I probably inadvertently place less value on the lives of some than I should.  

Man!  So much to say!  

Kim and I got up early this morning and walked to Second Cup for some quiet time.  It was probably the best quiet time I've had for quite a while.  Things just seemed to become so clear to me.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about social responsibility and what my role is as a Christian in our world.  It's been pretty cool thinking about possibilities and being a part of a church that's definitely moving forward in an active way toward what part we should be playing in the grand scheme of things.  I've also been thinking about my faith.  About what makes it real.  What the outworking of it should look like in everyday life.  

So, this morning I was reading Hosea 6 and thinking about how God felt about the Israelites and their feeble attempts at being good enough without God.  They were so far gone when it came to truly connecting with God because of their traditions and the distance that their self-made rules had put between them and God.  Then, as I was reflecting on Hosea 6:6 which says, "I want you to show love (or mercy), not offer sacrifices.  I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings."  I was thinking about how this all pertained to me.  Whether there were things in my life that put a rift between God and I.  I knew there were, but I wanted a clearer picture of what those things were.  Then this song came on my discman:

Instead of a Show

~Jon Foreman

I hate all your show and pretense

The hypocrisy of your praise

The hypocrisy of your festivals

I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship

Away with your noisy hymns

I stop up my ears when you're singing them

I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice

An endless procession of righteous living, living

Instead let there be a flood of justice

Instead of a show

Your eyes are closed when you're praying

You sing right along with the band

You shine up your shoes for services, 

But there's blood on your hands.

You turned your back on the homeless

And the ones who don't fit in your plans

Quit playing religion games

There's blood on your hands

Ah!  Let's argue this out

If your sins are blood red

Let's argue this out

You'll be white as the clouds

Let's argue this out 

Quit fooling around!

Give love to the ones who can't love at all

Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all

Stand up for the ones who can't stand at all

Instead of a show, I hate all your show

It was the perfect thing for me to hear at that moment.  I've really been feeling challenged to be different than the world around me by responding in love to the people around me.  Even when those people are needy and often inconvenient.  There's another song by Jon Foreman that's been in my head for the past few days that totally sums up the attitude I often see in myself.  Maybe I'll post those lyrics separately so that this isn't so freaking long!  

Needless to say, my hope for processing time and new vision has definitely been realized!  I'm so thankful for this time away to be refreshed and clearly challenged!

So, I'm in Calgary. Just a short drive away from the majestic Rockies. I'm so excited to see them up close. To stand in awe of their splendour and the power of the One who created them. It's been really cool over the past few days seeing the different facets of who God is in the circumstances surrounding our trip. There were a lot of obstacles that needed to be overcome before we could leave and God very clearly provided for our trip in different ways. Whitey (Kim's car) needed a new muffler and a new brake hose and God provided the funds to get those fixed.  Kim and I were both beside ourselves with excitement on Thursday morning when we were finally on the road!  Then, about an hour out of Thunder Bay, I found myself going 120km/h in a 90km/h zone coming down a hill.  Lucky for me, there was an OPP officer travelling in the opposite direction who seemed to have caught on to my driving faux pas.  He pulled a U-turn and followed me for what seemed like 10 minutes before pulling me over... then Kim couldn't find her insurance card and he was standing out in the freezing cold.  Not always the best thing for an officer's disposition/likeliness to extend grace...He ended up letting me off with a smaller fine than I deserved which was nice and I was careful not to speed for the rest of the trip! 

 Less than 2 hours outside of Thunder Bay, the already-noisy heater fan in Whitey started making a horrendous racket. When I asked Kim if it had ever sounded like that before, she broke eye contact and said, "ya, it's fine. Don't worry about it". After about 20 minutes at that decible, it became even louder. One thing you have to realize about Whitey's heater is that most of the knobs that control said heater are busted. You're lucky if you can turn it off ever. Needless to say, I was having a hard time focusing on the road given the noises coming from the dashboard. Finally we got to Upsala. We pulled in to the gas station and Kim went off in search of a mechanic who could give us some pointers. We also in our time in Upsala attempted to silence the heater fan by banging on it under the hood with my stainless steel water bottle. To no avail. Both of us were feeling a litte discouraged at this point and, had we been anyone else, probably would've had a good cry and returned to Thunder Bay. But we aren't anyone else. And both of us were determined to make it to Calgary even if it meant listening to that terrible sound for the next 24 hours. A small ways past Upsala, we pulled over on the side of the road. We both were going batty. It was like Chinese water torture without the water or the Chinese. We prayed for a while that the Lord would work out our little problem and went on again. I think both of us were thinking that as soon as I started the car again, the heater would be whirrring quietly and we'd have a peaceful drive...that's not exactly how the Lord chose to answer our prayer. Kim decided to try and turn off the heater. This is always a scary thing to do because you never know whether the faulty knob will allow you to turn it back on. But, the heater turned off and we enjoyed about 8 hours of worry-free, warm driving thanks to the sun.  In the late evening, it started getting pretty cold and the windows were starting to fog, so we decided to try turning the heater back on...it came on at a normal volume for a good chunk of time before turning into heat monster once more.  So, we spent the night turning the heater on and off, but the heater worked enough to get us here! :)  I had my first view of the foothills on Friday morning after a sleepless night, but I was still wriggling in my seat like a puppy who's just seen its favourite toy in the hands of a likely fetch partner.  I'm so excited to be on a real mountain! 

Now, we're just kind of taking it easy!  It's been so good to just be able to chill and not have to worry about any kind of responsibility!  I've gotten some really great reading and praying time in and had some new insight on life!  God is good!  :)  More to come on that insight later!

I've decided that romance that requires sex as its catalyst is not romance at all.

So, about that performance review I mentioned earlier...I walked out of that room with a new sense of purpose and vision for my job. My manager actually talked about how I'm a light in my workplace. She doesn't know God, but she notices something different about me. Even in my weakness and stubborness and seeming uselessness, God chooses to use me.

What she said was something like: "There are people who adapt to the kind of team they're a part of. If they're around negative people, they become negative. If they're around positive people, they become positive. They don't stand on their own. Then there's a small number of people who are who they are. They stand alone. If they're part of a negative group, they become the change toward the positive in that group. You, Jen are one of those people. Why? Because you are you. Because you can just be yourself. All the time. In any circumstance. We've seen you come through some pretty bad stuff here, and you're still you. You are like a shining light. You make the way for others."

How encouraging is that?! To hear that what you've been working towards in every area of your life has become evident to people who don't even know that! Wow!

I sense that God is doing some cool things through my job. My other manager and I were talking today about my plans for the future and she said she thought it was cool how I don't base my decisions on money, but just on where I'm needed the most. I love God. I love that even though I totally suck on my own, he fills me with himself and makes me something useful.

Hope. What a cool thing!

Peace.

I had a performance appraisal at work today. I love performance appraisals. It's nice to know when your efforts are appreciated. It's nice to get a raise.

Peace.

I feel like I've been in constant struggle lately to find my middle. Maybe that doesn't make sense outside of my mind, but that's how it's been. I feel like I've been swinging like a pendulum. Like I'm grounded and focused one moment and totally lost and freaking out the next. I've had some really great times of connection with God through all of that, but it would be really nice if I weren't so all over the place all the time.

One of the things that's had me going off the deep end more regularly than anything else is my lack of spouse...or should I say my abundance of singleness...Something I struggle with constantly and need to keep giving back to God is my desire to be married. To make a life with someone, to have babies and raise them to love God. I find myself more often than not of late impatient with God. I've been praying for years for an opportunity to get into full-time camp ministry and am moving forward in prayer toward a specific goal. This possibility is more exciting to me than anything has been for a really long time...and yet, I hesitate...why? Because I'm scared to move forward in ministry as a single. What happens if someone comes along and there're sparks and stuff is happening, but I'm in ministry and they're not and...gosh! I get so frustrated with myself! I know, in my brain part of myself, that these are silly concerns. That the Lord is far bigger than circumstances and he'll work all that out, but I'm still scared.

The question I keep asking myself is: is this healthy fear?

I have no answer. So I keep on waiting on the Lord for clarity and hoping for some sort of indication that if I move forward in this, He's got it covered.

I wish I weren't so...

Peace out.

Hey. I've decided to start fresh with a new blog and give up on my Livejournal. No promises here. Who knows whether any of this will be remotely interesting or relevant to anyone but me...but, here goes!

Jen