I feel like I've been in constant struggle lately to find my middle. Maybe that doesn't make sense outside of my mind, but that's how it's been. I feel like I've been swinging like a pendulum. Like I'm grounded and focused one moment and totally lost and freaking out the next. I've had some really great times of connection with God through all of that, but it would be really nice if I weren't so all over the place all the time.

One of the things that's had me going off the deep end more regularly than anything else is my lack of spouse...or should I say my abundance of singleness...Something I struggle with constantly and need to keep giving back to God is my desire to be married. To make a life with someone, to have babies and raise them to love God. I find myself more often than not of late impatient with God. I've been praying for years for an opportunity to get into full-time camp ministry and am moving forward in prayer toward a specific goal. This possibility is more exciting to me than anything has been for a really long time...and yet, I hesitate...why? Because I'm scared to move forward in ministry as a single. What happens if someone comes along and there're sparks and stuff is happening, but I'm in ministry and they're not and...gosh! I get so frustrated with myself! I know, in my brain part of myself, that these are silly concerns. That the Lord is far bigger than circumstances and he'll work all that out, but I'm still scared.

The question I keep asking myself is: is this healthy fear?

I have no answer. So I keep on waiting on the Lord for clarity and hoping for some sort of indication that if I move forward in this, He's got it covered.

I wish I weren't so...

Peace out.