A Trip of Epic Proportions.

I'm home. It feels really strange to be here. I've only been gone for a week, but it seems like a month's worth of events have taken place. That being said, I don't think I could do the trip justice in just one post, so I'll start with the first part and post again later.

The purpose of my trip was to attend the annual conference for Rural Life Mission Inc., which is the mission that oversees the operation of Round Lake Bible Camp, which is the camp I volunteer at every summer. I officially applied in March to be year-round staff for camp, and the board of directors wanted to meet me and interview me before taking me on. The idea was that the conference would be a good time since it would give everyone a chance to meet me and spend some time with me before my interview. So, I met Mark and Christy at the airport at 10:30 on tuesday morning. Mark and Christy are the directors of Round Lake Bible Camp. We hopped on a plane and were of for Toronto. We spent just over an hour navigating the Toronto airport to find our baggage and our rental car and got on the road right away. (right after I found some take-out sushi for lunch of course)

The conference wasn't actually starting until Wednesday morning, so we had that whole day to do whatever we wanted. Since I was Mark and Christy's tag-along, I got to go to a town called Vineland with them to visit Christy's great uncle Don and his wife Vivian. They were great people! We spent a little time visiting at their house and then they took us out for an early supper at this cool little diner where I enjoyed a phenomenal greek omelette. We went back to their house after that and looked at some old (very old!) pictures of Christy's family. It was a really neat time connecting with them for sure. They had lots of neat stories about life in the air force and as a candy maker and other cool things. Don is also a painter, so it was neat to get to see some of his artwork. He also takes pictures of his paintings and makes them into notecards and he gave me a couple of those, so that was cool too. So, that was a really great part of the first day.

After we left Vineland, We set out for the cottage on Lake Erie where we stayed for the duration of the conference. We made a stop in a place called Selkirk which was right on the shore of the lake. Mark and Christy had found a really amazing place where there were huge rocks full of all different kinds of fossils. It was such a neat thing to see! I wish I had had a camera to take pictures! Every rock had a gazillion fossils in it. It was cool to speculate as to what they could have been before they were trapped in the rocks. The waves were crashing the whole time we were there and the air was fresh and crisp. It was a moment of beauty that I won't soon forget.

A short drive from Selkirk was the lovely cottage that we called home while we were at conference. It was such a nice place. 3 big bedrooms, a nice big bathroom upstairs and one downstairs too, cozy couches and lots of windows looking out on the lake. The sound of the lake when the windows were open was really relaxing and we enjoyed our time there immensely.

We played a little Scrabble that first night and then got to bed so that we could be well-rested for the start of conference on Wednesday morning. Overall, a great start to our trip. More to come later.

Perfect moments. Do you know what I mean? Those moments where each and every detail fit together in such a way that your heart swells and your mind is free. Even for just a moment. I had one today. I came home and sat down in our lovely living room and the sunlight coming in the window paired with the smell of fresh spring air coming through the open door and the sound of Heidi's music echoing in the kitchen and the clink of dishes in the sink and the knife on the cutting board caused my heart to fill with...joy? peace? It's hard to describe. I felt extremely alive and free.

Life is so beautiful. The fact that the little things like that can take my breath away makes me feel like life is more worthwhile than I sometimes treat it.

I love my family. I spent a good chunk of time with them today and I realized how amazing they all are. I think it's so cool how different people are...I had a plastic easter egg fight with my little sister which ended in a punching match, which was really hilariously funny. My dad made a joke of pretty much everything that was said and made me think through the validity of every statement I made before I made it. My stepmom found the funny part in every little thing and my niece was giggly and snuggly and cute every moment. My brother and I had a great talk about faith and worldview that may have seemed to end on a negative not, but really, I was just glad that we could dialogue and be real with each other. My mom cracked one of the funniest jokes she's cracked in a long time and I almost peed my pants laughing. All-in-all it was a fantastic day filled with friends and family and joy.

I love life.

Father.

So, I just talked to "Daddy" on the phone. "Daddy" is what I call my biological father. It makes it easier to differentiate between him and my stepdad. It's always good to talk to him...on some level. I miss him when I don't talk to him, so it's good to talk to him. Our conversations always seem to be a little strained. It's almost like when he picks up the phone and realizes it's me, he feels slightly awkward because he wasn't the one to call or because it's been a whole month since we've touched base. Either way, it seems like this totally mechanical telling of news followed by random additions or anecdotes about the news and then some weird pauses before he says something like, "well...we're in the middle of a movie, can I call you in a couple of days...?" To which I usually reply something like, "are you actually gonna call me, or will I have to call you?" Today his response to this question was shocking. "Yes, I PROMISE I'll call you this week." Wow, that's a change. He actually used the word "promise" specifically. Maybe this time it'll be different...Here's the thing though...I've spent my whole life waiting for him to finally realize that he's my dad. All the time. It never changes. I need him. I've always needed him. To be a dad. Not just a random acquaintance whose DNA I possess who I talk to once in a while. You shouldn't have to catch up with your dad. Seriously! It's not like I live far away or have been on a trip for an extended period of time. I'm here. In the same city. 10 minutes away. What the heck?
I had a pretty huge breakdown one night a few months ago where I realized just how truly absent both of my dads have been in my life. It wasn't pretty. I think it was actually the very first time in my life that I actually cried myself to sleep. In the midst of the tears, I wrote "Daddy" a letter. I told him how much I hated the distance between us. I asked him a lot of hard questions like: "why do you always have time for somebody else's kids?" "why does someone else always come before us?" I told him how much it hurt me when he did things like not showing up for my high school graduation or forgetting my birthday for 3 years. I told him that I didn't want stuff. I didn't want money. All of my life I've just wanted a place in his. A real place, not just a visiting a few times a year place. It was a crazy letter. I put it in an envelope and addressed it. I even put a stamp on it. The next day when I woke up, I decided that it wouldn't be productive or beneficial for anyone if I sent it. I'd been angry and broken. So I threw it out. I was good for me to get all of that out. To think back over the past hurts, write them down and get over them. I've noticed since then, though, that it takes a lot more than writing something down to get over it.
Well, here's my solution to the problem. GOD. I know that's a huge over-simplification, but really. That's it. GOD. When I think about everything I know about who God is, I'm amazed that I could ever have failed to notice/remember that God is the perfect father. I don't wanna over-cheese this, so I'll keep it short and sweet. I can freak out, I can kick, I can scream, I can be selfish, proud, unwilling, disobedient, a total jerk, a hypocrite, naive, hateful, whatever really, and God still loves me. This isn't the kind of love that's just gonna stop someday because God's got better things to do with his time. This is the kind of love that will lay (and has laid) down it's life for me. This is the kind of love that totally gets me. That's ok with waiting until I finally figure it out. The kind of love that holds me and cries with me when I'm hurting so much I don't know what to do. The kind of love that understands my deepest desires probably better than I do myself and wants to see me live a full and purposeful life. This is the kind of love that's perfect. Unchanging. Unconditional. It doesn't matter what I do, my God is always going to love me.
The coolest part about all of that is that this is true of every human being. Even my dads. God loves them and understands them and holds them the same way he loves me. And God has called me to love the world around me the way that he loves me. I can't do it. I don't have the capacity to love with that kind of...I can't even think of a word that really captures all of that. But, I can give myself as a vessel to carry that love to the world. God can use me to show himself to the people around me. What a huge, amazing, perfect plan that is! That God CAN use someone like me-fallen, wretched, blind, disillusioned, broken, weak, selfish-WANTS to, even, to reach his world is a beautiful thing. How could I not want to be a part of that? And this is why I live my life the way that I do. Because I want to be used of God.


"I am no longer my own, but thine.
Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt;
put me to doing, put me to suffering;
let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee or brought low for thee;
let me be full, let me be empty;
let me have all things, let me have nothing;
I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure
and disposal"

~Richard Alleine