So, about that performance review I mentioned earlier...I walked out of that room with a new sense of purpose and vision for my job. My manager actually talked about how I'm a light in my workplace. She doesn't know God, but she notices something different about me. Even in my weakness and stubborness and seeming uselessness, God chooses to use me.

What she said was something like: "There are people who adapt to the kind of team they're a part of. If they're around negative people, they become negative. If they're around positive people, they become positive. They don't stand on their own. Then there's a small number of people who are who they are. They stand alone. If they're part of a negative group, they become the change toward the positive in that group. You, Jen are one of those people. Why? Because you are you. Because you can just be yourself. All the time. In any circumstance. We've seen you come through some pretty bad stuff here, and you're still you. You are like a shining light. You make the way for others."

How encouraging is that?! To hear that what you've been working towards in every area of your life has become evident to people who don't even know that! Wow!

I sense that God is doing some cool things through my job. My other manager and I were talking today about my plans for the future and she said she thought it was cool how I don't base my decisions on money, but just on where I'm needed the most. I love God. I love that even though I totally suck on my own, he fills me with himself and makes me something useful.

Hope. What a cool thing!

Peace.

I had a performance appraisal at work today. I love performance appraisals. It's nice to know when your efforts are appreciated. It's nice to get a raise.

Peace.

I feel like I've been in constant struggle lately to find my middle. Maybe that doesn't make sense outside of my mind, but that's how it's been. I feel like I've been swinging like a pendulum. Like I'm grounded and focused one moment and totally lost and freaking out the next. I've had some really great times of connection with God through all of that, but it would be really nice if I weren't so all over the place all the time.

One of the things that's had me going off the deep end more regularly than anything else is my lack of spouse...or should I say my abundance of singleness...Something I struggle with constantly and need to keep giving back to God is my desire to be married. To make a life with someone, to have babies and raise them to love God. I find myself more often than not of late impatient with God. I've been praying for years for an opportunity to get into full-time camp ministry and am moving forward in prayer toward a specific goal. This possibility is more exciting to me than anything has been for a really long time...and yet, I hesitate...why? Because I'm scared to move forward in ministry as a single. What happens if someone comes along and there're sparks and stuff is happening, but I'm in ministry and they're not and...gosh! I get so frustrated with myself! I know, in my brain part of myself, that these are silly concerns. That the Lord is far bigger than circumstances and he'll work all that out, but I'm still scared.

The question I keep asking myself is: is this healthy fear?

I have no answer. So I keep on waiting on the Lord for clarity and hoping for some sort of indication that if I move forward in this, He's got it covered.

I wish I weren't so...

Peace out.

Hey. I've decided to start fresh with a new blog and give up on my Livejournal. No promises here. Who knows whether any of this will be remotely interesting or relevant to anyone but me...but, here goes!

Jen