Perfect moments. Do you know what I mean? Those moments where each and every detail fit together in such a way that your heart swells and your mind is free. Even for just a moment. I had one today. I came home and sat down in our lovely living room and the sunlight coming in the window paired with the smell of fresh spring air coming through the open door and the sound of Heidi's music echoing in the kitchen and the clink of dishes in the sink and the knife on the cutting board caused my heart to fill with...joy? peace? It's hard to describe. I felt extremely alive and free.

Life is so beautiful. The fact that the little things like that can take my breath away makes me feel like life is more worthwhile than I sometimes treat it.

I love my family. I spent a good chunk of time with them today and I realized how amazing they all are. I think it's so cool how different people are...I had a plastic easter egg fight with my little sister which ended in a punching match, which was really hilariously funny. My dad made a joke of pretty much everything that was said and made me think through the validity of every statement I made before I made it. My stepmom found the funny part in every little thing and my niece was giggly and snuggly and cute every moment. My brother and I had a great talk about faith and worldview that may have seemed to end on a negative not, but really, I was just glad that we could dialogue and be real with each other. My mom cracked one of the funniest jokes she's cracked in a long time and I almost peed my pants laughing. All-in-all it was a fantastic day filled with friends and family and joy.

I love life.

Father.

So, I just talked to "Daddy" on the phone. "Daddy" is what I call my biological father. It makes it easier to differentiate between him and my stepdad. It's always good to talk to him...on some level. I miss him when I don't talk to him, so it's good to talk to him. Our conversations always seem to be a little strained. It's almost like when he picks up the phone and realizes it's me, he feels slightly awkward because he wasn't the one to call or because it's been a whole month since we've touched base. Either way, it seems like this totally mechanical telling of news followed by random additions or anecdotes about the news and then some weird pauses before he says something like, "well...we're in the middle of a movie, can I call you in a couple of days...?" To which I usually reply something like, "are you actually gonna call me, or will I have to call you?" Today his response to this question was shocking. "Yes, I PROMISE I'll call you this week." Wow, that's a change. He actually used the word "promise" specifically. Maybe this time it'll be different...Here's the thing though...I've spent my whole life waiting for him to finally realize that he's my dad. All the time. It never changes. I need him. I've always needed him. To be a dad. Not just a random acquaintance whose DNA I possess who I talk to once in a while. You shouldn't have to catch up with your dad. Seriously! It's not like I live far away or have been on a trip for an extended period of time. I'm here. In the same city. 10 minutes away. What the heck?
I had a pretty huge breakdown one night a few months ago where I realized just how truly absent both of my dads have been in my life. It wasn't pretty. I think it was actually the very first time in my life that I actually cried myself to sleep. In the midst of the tears, I wrote "Daddy" a letter. I told him how much I hated the distance between us. I asked him a lot of hard questions like: "why do you always have time for somebody else's kids?" "why does someone else always come before us?" I told him how much it hurt me when he did things like not showing up for my high school graduation or forgetting my birthday for 3 years. I told him that I didn't want stuff. I didn't want money. All of my life I've just wanted a place in his. A real place, not just a visiting a few times a year place. It was a crazy letter. I put it in an envelope and addressed it. I even put a stamp on it. The next day when I woke up, I decided that it wouldn't be productive or beneficial for anyone if I sent it. I'd been angry and broken. So I threw it out. I was good for me to get all of that out. To think back over the past hurts, write them down and get over them. I've noticed since then, though, that it takes a lot more than writing something down to get over it.
Well, here's my solution to the problem. GOD. I know that's a huge over-simplification, but really. That's it. GOD. When I think about everything I know about who God is, I'm amazed that I could ever have failed to notice/remember that God is the perfect father. I don't wanna over-cheese this, so I'll keep it short and sweet. I can freak out, I can kick, I can scream, I can be selfish, proud, unwilling, disobedient, a total jerk, a hypocrite, naive, hateful, whatever really, and God still loves me. This isn't the kind of love that's just gonna stop someday because God's got better things to do with his time. This is the kind of love that will lay (and has laid) down it's life for me. This is the kind of love that totally gets me. That's ok with waiting until I finally figure it out. The kind of love that holds me and cries with me when I'm hurting so much I don't know what to do. The kind of love that understands my deepest desires probably better than I do myself and wants to see me live a full and purposeful life. This is the kind of love that's perfect. Unchanging. Unconditional. It doesn't matter what I do, my God is always going to love me.
The coolest part about all of that is that this is true of every human being. Even my dads. God loves them and understands them and holds them the same way he loves me. And God has called me to love the world around me the way that he loves me. I can't do it. I don't have the capacity to love with that kind of...I can't even think of a word that really captures all of that. But, I can give myself as a vessel to carry that love to the world. God can use me to show himself to the people around me. What a huge, amazing, perfect plan that is! That God CAN use someone like me-fallen, wretched, blind, disillusioned, broken, weak, selfish-WANTS to, even, to reach his world is a beautiful thing. How could I not want to be a part of that? And this is why I live my life the way that I do. Because I want to be used of God.


"I am no longer my own, but thine.
Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt;
put me to doing, put me to suffering;
let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee or brought low for thee;
let me be full, let me be empty;
let me have all things, let me have nothing;
I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure
and disposal"

~Richard Alleine

I started a post yesterday about a pretty major development in my life. I read over what I had first written and it was almost nonsensical! It's so funny to me sometimes how out of control I get when I'm excited about something! So, here's the real, unadulterated true story...

I was working away at Starbucks yesterday afternoon (it seems like a lifetime ago already!), when it was time for my fifteen minute break. So, I grabbed my water bottle and headed off to the staffroom to check my e-mail and fool around on facebook for a bit. After waiting what felt like eons for my e-mail account to finally open, I saw an e-mail in my inbox from Mark Arnold (one of the directors of RLBC) with the subject "exciting news!". My heart instantly started beating faster. The day before, Iknew was when the board of directors for Rural Life Mission were to review my application and let me know whether I was what they were looking for or not. The e-mail indicated that Mark and Christy had been CC:ed on an e-mail from RLM detailing my acceptance as a missionary and other such details, and also included their flight details for the conference I was to attend upon acceptance to the mission. (still following?)
At this point I was almost falling off of my stool in excitement and squealing with glee. Then I went back to my inbox and realized that I didn't have an e-mail in there from the mission and wondered why...Once my head cleared a little, I realized that it must have gone to my spam box, so I checked it out. Sure enough, there was a message in there from RLM with the subject "book a ticket"! More excited behaviour ensued and within minutes all of my co-workers, including the people in the back at Chapters, had heard the news. Then my break timer beeped. It was time for me to get back on the floor. Oh man! That was so hard! I just wanted to leave! I wanted to find out more details and tell everyone I could think of! When I got back on the floor to work and told everyone there, I had to go to the back office because I just started crying. The relief of having some sort of answer after all of the time I'd spent in prayer and waiting for something to happen just flooded over me. God had again proved himself faithful. It was like I had been holding my breath since December and I could finally let it out. It's hard to even describe what was going on in me at that point.
It's been a really challenging thing to walk through, this whole process, but I'm so thankful for it! It's really just the beginning of a whole new way of life for me. I'll be starting work soon as a missionary whose support comes in through donations. I'm totally preparing myself for some pretty hard lessons when it comes to waiting on God.

God's been showing me a lot more about the way that I communicate with him too. That's definitely coming in handy at this point! :) Encouragement has been coming at me from all different sides this week! Daria and I got to have some cool talks and I'm really thankful for the time that we had together this week. I also feel like God's been able to use me to be an encouragement to some people in my life this week who were needing it. I think the body of Christ is so cool! How God has us all on our own separate journeys, yet we're all journeying together. I'm also thankful for perspective that's come from quite a few different places over the last little while. Other people's blogs, books I've been reading, songs I've been hearing...I'm feeling more equipped than maybe I ever have before to take on the stuff the lord has for me. I'm really greatful for that since a month ago I was at a loss when it came to trying to process my life and purpose.

Camp is coming up fast and I'm excited to see what my new role will look like!

I love Jesus and I'm so excited to serve him in a new way!

I'm on my break at work right now and I felt the need to update. I think I get frustrated with my job situation too much. Seriously, what a cool job I have! I got to connect with so many different people this morning and not just on a superficial level. Far from making small talk, I was inspired and challenged by a number of different people. I need to learn to be more thankful for the place that God has me right now. I am so blessed to work with people that are awesome and serve people that are awesome. I love community.

Ok, so I'm having a bit of a problem with patience lately. I'm not always the best at waiting. I don't even really know what I'm waiting for...I don't think it's really anything tangible, which almost makes it harder to wait. I'm a little antsy too. Maybe I just need to go for a good walk and get out all my jitters. Maybe I'll do that...

I decided today that I need to make more intentional time in my schedule for God time. I don't know exactly what that looks like since I don't usually connect with God in a conventional way for the most part...I think I just need to have time set aside in my day where I can just go for a walk or sit in a pretty place or intentionally seek God out. Whatever I do, I know that I need to refresh myself more often. I'm feeling pretty burnt out after my first week back at work after my trip and, looking back at my week, I realized that the majority of my time was spent rushing around and whenever I finally did stop, I was too pooped to even think, let alone hear from God.

I'm pretty sure that was a pretty rambly paragraph...if you can even call that a paragraph...I need a nap.